The journey to parenthood through surrogacy is deeply personal and can bring unexpected emotional complexities, particularly for intended mothers in the weeks and months following their baby's birth. While the joy of finally holding their child is immense, many intended mothers experience a range of feelings that deserve acknowledgment and understanding.
The Reality of Mixed Emotions
It's entirely normal for intended mothers to experience conflicting emotions after surrogacy. These feelings don't diminish the love for their child or gratitude toward their surrogate—they're simply part of processing a unique path to motherhood.
Missing the Physical Connection
The absence of in-utero bonding can feel significant for some intended mothers. Not being able to talk to their baby during pregnancy, sing lullabies, or feel responsive kicks and movements represents a lost opportunity for early connection. This can create feelings of disconnection or worry about whether the bond will form naturally.
However, many intended mothers find ways to create connection during pregnancy. Recording messages or lullabies for the surrogate to play, asking her to place headphones on her belly for the baby to hear their voice, or being present during ultrasounds can help bridge this gap. It's important to remember that parent-child bonding is not solely dependent on pregnancy experiences. Many intended mothers find that skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth, being the first to hold their baby, and taking on all caregiving responsibilities quickly establishes a strong bond. The connection may form differently, but it forms completely.
Lack of Physical Pregnancy Experience
For intended mothers who had hoped to experience pregnancy, missing the physical journey can trigger grief. Not feeling the baby's first movements, missing the gradual body changes, or being unable to experience the anticipation of labour can feel like significant losses.
Yet for others, avoiding pregnancy challenges is actually viewed as a benefit. Those who pursued surrogacy due to medical conditions, pregnancy complications, or personal circumstances may feel relief at not experiencing morning sickness, physical discomfort, or indeed the health risks.
Different Food Choices and Lifestyle Control
Not being able to control what the surrogate eats and her lifestyle choices can create anxiety for some intended mothers. Questions about whether she's eating the right foods, avoiding alcohol, or maintaining healthy habits can feel overwhelming.
This concern is typically addressed through clear communication and agreements with the surrogate, regular check-ins, and trusting the screening process that identified a responsible surrogate partner. Many intended mothers find creative ways to be involved in prenatal care—asking their surrogate to play specific music to the baby, recording their voice for the surrogate to play during pregnancy, or making gentle requests about certain foods (my surrogate ate nuts regularly in hopes of reducing allergy risk) or to include foods rich in omega-3s for brain development.
Hormonal Differences
Missing the hormonal journey of pregnancy means intended mothers don't experience the gradual hormonal preparation for motherhood and breastfeeding. This can affect everything from mood regulation to milk production initiation.
Many intended mothers work with healthcare providers to support breastfeeding through induced lactation protocols. Additionally, the hormonal changes that occur naturally after birth and during breastfeeding help establish maternal feelings and bonding.
Being Different from Other New Mums
Having a different experience from other new mums can create feelings of isolation or inadequacy. In new parent groups, intended mothers may feel unable to relate to pregnancy stories, birth experiences, or early bonding narratives.
Finding community with other intended parents who've used surrogacy can provide valuable connection and understanding. Many intended mothers also find that once the focus quickly shifts to parenting experiences after the first couple of months and then they feel more integrated into general parenting communities.
Mitigating Factors and Reminders
Active Participation Throughout the Process
Many intended mothers find meaning in being actively involved during the pregnancy—attending appointments, being present at the birth, and maintaining communication with their surrogate. This involvement can help bridge the gap between traditional pregnancy experiences and surrogacy.
Immediate Post-Birth Connection
The immediate opportunity to hold, feed, and care for their baby from the first moments can be profoundly bonding. Many intended mothers report that any concerns about connection dissolve quickly once they're caring for their child.
Unique Strengths of the Surrogacy Journey
The surrogacy path often requires tremendous emotional strength, patience, and resilience. These qualities serve intended mothers well in parenthood. Additionally, having gone through the surrogacy process often creates a deep appreciation for the child that can be incredibly meaningful.
Professional Support
Working with counsellors experienced in third-party reproduction can provide valuable support for processing these emotions. Many fertility clinics offer ongoing counselling services that extend beyond the birth.
Moving Forward
The emotions that arise after surrogacy are very valid. Intended mothers benefit from being patient with themselves, seeking support when needed, and remembering that there are many paths to deep, loving parent-child relationships.
Every family's journey is unique, and the love between parent and child is not diminished by how that child came into the world. The child born through surrogacy is just as wanted, just as loved, and just as much a part of their intended parents as any child born through traditional pregnancy.
For intended mothers navigating these feelings, remember that seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. The transition to parenthood through surrogacy may be different, but it leads to the same beautiful destination: a loving family.
