When hope feels heavy. For the moments when everything is still possible, but nothing is certain.

There’s a particular kind of tired that comes from waiting. Not the kind you get after a long day, but the kind that builds up slowly, month after month, scan after scan, cycle after cycle.

This is what it’s like when you’re still hoping, still trying. But the weight of that hope starts to feel like something you’re carrying around all the time.

It’s the weight of hope when the path to parenthood is long, complex, and unpredictable.

Hope at the start: IVF and early numbers

For many, the first disappointment comes early. You walk into a clinic and walk out with numbers. Hormone levels, egg counts, AMH, follicle scans. Then it's collection day and they retrieve 10 eggs, but only 6 are mature. Of those, maybe 3 fertilise. One makes it to Day 5. It’s all maths, and it never feels like it adds up in your favour.

Some people don’t get any embryos. Some are told the quality isn’t good enough to transfer. Others make it to transfer, only to face a negative result. And for a small few, everything looks perfect right up until the moment it doesn’t work.

It can feel like a slow erosion of optimism. 

Hope during surrogacy: waiting, wondering, and the quiet gaps

Surrogacy brings its own form of waiting. The wait to find that special someone. The wait to connect. The wait to feel like you’ve genuinely clicked with someone who might carry your child. And even when you do, there's paperwork, counselling, approvals, logistics.

Sometimes you’re months in before it even feels like things have begun.

And even then, it’s not simple. You might struggle with feeling removed from the process, especially if you’re not in the same city or state. There can be moments when you don’t know what to say, or wonder if you're asking too much. The relationship might feel warm and natural, or slightly awkward — and you're not sure why.

No one really prepares you for the emotional ambiguity of building a family with someone you’ve only just met.

Hope in pregnancy: the tests, the scans, the what-ifs

When pregnancy arrives, so does a new kind of worry. Each milestone brings another set of questions. Are the hormone levels rising? Is the heartbeat where it should be? Is there a soft marker on the scan?  Should we be concerned?

Sometimes the worst happens. A miscarriage. A pregnancy that doesn’t progress. A test result that leaves you in limbo. Other times, nothing is technically wrong, but it still doesn’t feel quite right. And that not-knowing can be just as hard.

If you’re pursuing surrogacy, you might not even be there when things unfold. You get a text, or a call. You do your best to stay connected from a distance. But it’s hard not to feel helpless when you're not the one carrying the baby.

Hope that doesn’t want to give up, but is tired

Hope doesn’t always feel light. Sometimes it feels like pressure. Like something you’re dragging behind you because you’re not ready to let go, but it’s getting heavier all the same.

It’s exhausting to stay hopeful after years of trying. It’s exhausting to keep planning around a future that keeps not arriving. It’s hard to keep showing up to appointments, calls, and discussions when it feels like you’ve had the same conversation a dozen times before. And yet turning away from it doesn’t feel like an option.

After a setback: don’t rush

When something goes wrong, a failed cycle, an unexpected result, a lost match, or a pregnancy that doesn’t continue, it’s tempting to rush to keep moving. Book the next consultation. Ask for the next plan. Get back on the list.

But you don’t have to.

There is no prize for how quickly you bounce back. There is no penalty for needing time.

If you’ve just had a loss, or a disappointment, or even just a moment where the process hit a wall — you’re allowed to stop.

You don’t have to be brave about it. You don’t have to learn from it straight away. A break isn’t giving up. It’s making space for breath. And given it is a long journey, you'll need to breathe often!

Preparing for the long version

There’s one thought that sometimes helps: If all of this leads to a baby, that child will live a long life. A lifetime of birthdays, school runs, packed lunches, bedtime stories, family holidays, and everything in between.

This part — the trying, the planning, the waiting — will be just a small chapter. It doesn’t feel that way now. But one day, if things go well, it will shrink in the rear-view mirror.

So if you’re in the middle of the long version, a few tips:

  • Pace yourself. You don’t need to rush if you’re in it for the long haul.
  • Ask your clinic, your lawyer, or your surrogate team for a full-year view, not just the next step.
  • Set up your life to be liveable now, not just “on hold”.
  • Rest from the process when you need to. It will still be there.
  • Let go of timelines that only cause pressure.

You’re not failing if it’s taking longer than you hoped. You’re simply on a path that requires stamina and plenty of hugs!

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